Friday, 4 May 2012

Today is one year since I was arrested at the hands of the person closest to me. The past twelve months have been by far the most memorable of my life to date. In my mind, when I go back to the events of that day, all I see is the confusion and fear that surrounded me.

It was a day of firsts. My first time in police custody, my first time I could not walk freely and had a hand holding me. It was my first time that I had to have an escort to go to the bathroom, and the first time I could not close the bathroom door behind me to pee. The first time I had my house searched, and the first time I was officially given a prisoner id.

In the past year, I have had to find strength that I did not even know that I had, and most of the people who were standing with me, are no longer here.

At least four of my friends of ten-plus years, are no more. I never thought I would see the day when my friendship would become their option. Never thought that I would be at this place in my life and not have them by my side.

But, it's okay.

I have prayed in the past twelve months like I never have in my entire life. I have fasted like never before, and forgiven everyone who left me temporarily empty inside.

I have accepted that while this may not have been my just portion, it was necessary to go through this storm. I have embraced the joy of my own company and I am really in a better place and I thank God for that.

I also thank him for the friends who stayed. The ones who understood the true meaning of friendship and loved me through this ordeal. The ones who reminded me that I am a good person and not to let the shortcomings of others keep me from my mission. I thank him for the friendships formed and for the people who have granted me access to their lives despite questionable circumstances.

For years I have asked the Divine to give me his Wisdom, and if you ask me, in the last twelve months he has finally answered. I know who I am, I know whose I am, and a day does not go by in my life anymore where I am not in His presence.

If it took getting arrested to bring me to the place of humility that my life has taken on now, then I would do it again.

My life has forever been changed, and as I mark the first anniversary of this day, I keep reminding myself of the one thing, that the 'perpetrator' always used to say to me .....

"It gets better from here".

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

You are good enough

Happy New Year! Yes, I know we are in March, but this is my first post for 2012. I have no other excuse for such procrastination other than, I was in fear.

I started a blog 'hot and sweaty' as they say in my native language, but then decided, I could not do it anymore. Is it that I had run out of ideas to write? - No. Is it that it was not making my sexy six followers laugh? - No. Is it that my credit card was maxed out and I could not renew the subscription (considering it is FREE)? - No.

I decided all by myself that I was not good enough. What do I know? Why would people read? Why would they care? Would I possibly get more than 6 followers? Questions that popped into my big head that shot down my little ego.

So three months has passed and my blog has nothing show for itself. And that feeling is worse than not writing at all. But then I complain that I have no platform, am not doing anything to actively generate one. Then I complain that no one knows me and wonder like Alice how will I eventually get my book out?

I owe it to myself to try. I owe it to myself to dare, to dream to believe. Whatever I want out of my life for 2012, and beyond, the effort to achieve it has to be made by me.

Today, my friend looked at me with tears in her eyes as someone told her about trying her hand again at the thing 'she liked to fail". As I listened to her,tears came to my eyes too. I wondered how dare they tell a person with such promise as her such a hurtful thing? They did not have the last say in her life - she did! I thought about getting all Madea on the culprit, but then I stopped and realised I had done the same thing to myself.

From the moment I stopped writing I allowed my mind to tell me I was not good enough. It is okay to fail, what's not cool is not trying again. How will I perfect what I do not practice? How will will I learn if I do not burn?

The pain is not in what our conscience or others says to us. Damage starts when we accept.